friday slacking session at starbucks.. wee and jr was so psyche about playing mahjong.. and they were thinking about whose hse to go too.. in the end settled for jr's hse on saturday morning..

can u believe, i actualli woke up at 830 !! just to go over to jr's place.. at the split second i woke up, i was thinking what the hell am i doing? why did i get myself psycho for doing sth so ridiculous.. haha..

nevertheless i stil woke up in time to meet rh.. bought breakfast cum lunch for wee and jr.. i played till cindy and beng came before leaving to dear's place to accompany him..

and yes, i talked to him.. he said he will do his best to open himself up.. i am afraid that history repeats itself again.. we went over to spencer's hotel room for his bday celebration in the evening..

went to watch "failure to launch" on sunday.. veri nice show.. hehe.. a show suitable for couples.. lol

On monday, dinner at sakae with dear at tiong bahru.. lol.. he super bth mi tt day.. cos i dont know why i was talking non-stop.. even when i said i wanted to keep quiet.. i stil said alot of things before i shut up..

Today another usual day.. rh n wee said in another 2 mths, the same thing will repeat itself again.. tts the frequency of it happening in the past.. how? i asked myself this.. everytime i said its the last time i am going to let it happen.. but somehow its always not the case.. I am just wondering how mani last times.. they say i am veri soft hearted.. i have no choice but to agree..

I found myself asking why do i have a soft spot for him?
I dont go back when i said i wanted to let go.. but for him i did it..
There are things that i really cant accept, but for him i accept it..
This is so weird.. so weird..

Mayb this is wat u call love..
everything's so weird about it..
I just dont understand.. zzzz""

I have been going thru emotional spells.. and right now when i am supposed to be slping... i just cant slp..

I dont know what am i gonna write.. but i feel so lost..

a quick update..
tuesday
went to paulaner with jr and spencer.. just some drinking and chilling out session.. hilarous.. the band was great.. yet.. i feel so down..
wednesday
to the balcony with spencer, rh n lucas.. ya.. drinking n chilling out session again.. feeling very down.. yet no one notices it..
thursday
to duxton blue with dillon, wee, rh, spencer, cindy, agnes, lucas, beng, his frenz.. feeling super down.. i just sat quietly there not interacting with anyone..
i broke down n spilled everything to him over the phone.. i told him wat i feel.. or rather part of it.. it was a terrible day.. we decided to talk things out on Sunday after his ops..

today.. (fri)
i had a quarrel with the boss.. n i tendered my resignation letter.. everyone was asking mi to stay.. but i find no future staying there..
i admit i was crying in office.. not bcos of work.. but i feel helpless n lost..
like wat i told cs.. i realli feel so contradicting.. on one hand, i feel like giving up.. but on the other hand, i just cant bear to let it go..
This is one of the greatest challenges that i will be facing.. can anyone just tell me how do i get him to open up to ppl around him...
Bcos of this, there's a communication barrier betw us.. and its not good, its not healthy.. it cause me to feel insecure bcos i really know nth abt him..
I told myself, it doesnt matter if in the end he hates mi, but i will get him to open up.. for his own good..
I want him to be happi.. I want to be there to know his problems.. I want to share my things with him.. I want him to share his things with mi..

I tot that he wont contact me these few days due to his ops..
So u can imagine how surprise i am to receive his call.. ya, i am happy he called.. just sth so simple can brighten up my day..
But wat he told mi really broke my heart... he told mi he hurt himself while playing soccer.. there was a very deep cut on his forehead.. and he had to go to the hospital for stitches..
I nearly cried.. on the verge to.. I was worried sick for him.. it was then i know deep in my heart i would not let him go.. unless he chose to let go..

I rushed down to his place after work when i am supposed to meet up with rh and all.. bought dinner for him and took a look at his wound..
My heart really aches for him.. I really wanna hug him but yet i tried my best to keep myself away from him..
Dress his wound and apply lotion before rushing down to holland v to meet up wif jr beng rh and wee..

chill out at starbucks.. i called him.. but i feel weird.. he's cold towards mi.. sometimes i really dont understand him.. one moment hot the next cold.. haiz..

i think i have been a bad girl this past week... i was out for all days except monday...

Monday was just going work and home...

Tuesday was out wif lingzi to jp for dinner and some chit chat session.. was usual more craps came out.. she always keeps me laughing...

Wednesday was out with dear.. to ikea... shopping n looking around...

Thursday was out with gb and ahgong.. to causeway for dinner.. both of them are like so dead.. -_-

Friday was off day.. i went to sign my appointment letter with my new company.. =) n i met 2 of my future colleagues, joanne and shirleen.. we went for medical check-up tog... To be frank i really was quite pissed by their obnoxious behaviour.. they are really so spoilt... keep complaining to me that their current company is much better blah blah blah.. say no high pay they feel kanna cheated..
Mayb its just me who thinks differently.. I just wanna gain as much experience in this industry.. I dont really care about the pay.. tsktsk..
After that was dinner at holland v...

Saturday was sentosa outing. i really wanna complain liaoz... i call jr and part time till i was late... haha.. only mi and wee managed to wake up in time.. and we started calling everyone.. to our dismay everyone was like ko... in the end mi spencer and wee went there first...
the two guys was like suntaning there... so i started disturbing them.. tickling them n throwing sand at them.. haha..
then jr and dear came along.. the sun was frickin hot tt day...
after that was dinner at lau pa sat... i think the 4 of us, jr mi dear n spencer realli ordered too much !.. faint.. we had lala, stringray, kai lan, oyster egg, crayfish, 2 soups, satay..
after dinner mi jr and cindy went to spencer place to play mj... played all the way till 4 plus 5 in the morning..

Sunday.. went over to dear's place immediately after the end of mj session cos he also just finish his ops... both of us ko all the way till 3 plus.. n went town for shopping... had dinner at sushi tei wif jr n cindy... then both of us went to catch V for vendetta...
I think the show is so F*cking fabulous.. n believe it or not.. I am so in love with the male lead.. though he is just a masked figure... but i just find him so intriguing.. so charming... i will definitely melt if he recites one of those intelligent literature works to me.. i know i know.. i am nuts.. i have a soft spot for such ppl k.. haha..

Anyway.. today was slacking at work.. was thinking about alot alot alot of things.. and i really dont know why tears just fell.. no no i am not suffering from depression.. haha.. i just merely tot about wats going on and i felt sad.. i just suddenly feel its so hard to please the ones u hold dear to your heart.. its so hard to strike a balance.. i know things have changed and no, i am not being paranoid or overly sensitive.. i can no longer trust as i used to.. i no longer feel secure.. and like it or not, i am beginning to close myself up... and there will be many things or emotions i will hiding le...

ok.. after work i went scouting around for V3x and N6280.. i am in dilemna as to which phone is nicer.. i am in love with both phones.. anyone give mi comments? pls pls.. desperately need some comments...

weekend was bad... i had a dispute with dear again.. seriously am quite sick of it le...

fri was ktv at orchard partyworld.. before that was dinner with jr, wee, rh n cindy at jack's place.. Met up wif zj, jerm and dear for k session.. He bought me eclairs... =) went over his place cos i am heading to sentosa the next day...

Sat was tanning session with charlene ! hehe.. bought our breakfast at delifrance n headed in.. The sun was hot so we were there for only 1 to 2 hours.. hee..
headed down town wif her.. went shopping.. I received Dear's call saying he's meeting up with his frenz to the IT show.. I was fine with it so i told him to go ahead n would meet up wif him after my class's gathering.. n he was like meet him for wat.. i admit i was puzzled.. bcos previously when i told him i am going for my class gathering, i asked if he wanted me to go over to acc him after tt.. n he said yes... yup.. n so i was speechless for a few seconds b4 telling him tt..
well well.. i tot mayb he wanna go out wif his frens.. so i told him to go ahead... i can always head home to rest.. no problem for mi at all..
n thats when everything started.. he started getting irritated n the attitude came out again.. i was like "Wat the hell"

n so after tt espisode.. he wanted to meet me.. But this whole incident left mi feeling veri veri down.. i went to kfc to have lunch with hc n charlene.. n there's a point when my eyes just started getting teary.. he called n apologized.. i told him to go meet up with his frens.. reason being that i just dont feel like seeing anyone tt day.. n he got frustrated again.. telling mi that his frens did not include him in their program le..
but in the end we stil decided to meet up.. ya i know.. so lame...

went to taka with hc n charlene to the creativity level.. i went to search for some inspirations on wat to do for him... but as i walked on.. i became more n more sad... i just feel so unfair n pointless.. dumb dumb called n comforted mi... i was even crying at one point..

went to meet him at city hall to go to the IT fair.. i was still feeling veri hurt.. but i just hide everything inside.. i did manage to cheer myself up abit... we walked around.. he bought a web cam and a photo printer..
had dinner at thai express and went back his place.. I was too tired to do anything... mayb mentally tired too.. i just wan to rest.. so i ko there..

Sunday was mj session at jr's place.. luck was on my side.. till a point where i felt so guilty when ever i win.. so i just diam diam there.. lol.. plus i was feeling veri tired...

why cant i even get a proper answer n not some frustrated tone... i dont see that his frens get this kind of shit when they talk to him.. i so had the urge to say it in his face that i am ur gf.. someone with feelings.. not something for you to vent ur anger on.. but yet i did not.. i just cant bear to do tt..
Suddenly i realised.. this kind of thing has been happening rather frequently.. i really dont know how much longer i can take it though...
But i seriously hope that he wont go over my limit.. bcos i really dont know wat i can do...

i shall keep tt previous post to myself n not post it out... i just feel that sometimes the human mouth can be so terrifying.. so... no more of my personal tots here.... i gonna keep it all private...

took the day off... n met up wif beng after my interview... short chit chatting session at tcc.. i did tell him my opinion on someone.. names shall not be mentioned.. playing arcade wif beng... lol... i wanna play more !!!

but dear was hungry so we went for dinner... lingzi n lyn came over to find us... been so long since i saw them !!! lingzi is so blur can !! she can walk infront of us n call beng ask where are we... i laugh till bth..

after wards was pool session at sg shopping centre.. mi n lingzi catch up wif each other.. i told her sth thats deep buried within my heart... not even a single soul on earth knows abt it.. yup.. i told her... n surprisingly she felt the same way as i do.. pengz... n now i told charlene abt it.. she also felt the same way as us... how is it possible? mayb that someone really doesnt have a character... ok i should not be bad..

anyway.. after toking to lingzi.. i felt something that i tried to keep within my heart... something that i am not willing to face up to... something that keeps bothering mi every now n then... but i guess its time i face up to reality.. i was supposed to meet up wif rh n wee today.. i wanted to tok to them abt how i feel...but both are not free last min..

i wanna tok to lingzi... i m so sorry girl.. for the first time i felt regretful that i did not take care of my eyes.. resulting in being ban from clubbing for a few mths... n bcos of it.. i cant be there to listen to her cos they are going zouk tonight... haiz... i feel so bad...

be strong girl.. =) n i feel girls whu throw themselves at guys are such a disgrace...

Thursday
work as usual nth special.. rushing off to meet up wif dear at tiong bahru for movie... caught underworld.. damn cool show.. the lead actress just nv fails to amaze me with her beauty.. she's so hot..! overall nice story plot.. u guys should watch it... went to queensway for stringray n lala.. cos he's craving for it.. haha..
n we waited for damn long for a stupid cab.. there's this couple whu had the cheeks to just stand in front of us to steal cab... i did something real funni.. i kinda "shouted" at them.. buey zi dong.. cab stealers.. haha..

Friday
met up wif ahgong for dinner at siam kitchen !! finalli my craving for thai food.. haha.. but not to my expectation.. i still prefer thaiexpress.. kl came while we were eating.. after which met up wif gb n sw... played arcade n went to mac to wait for our show to start...
caught final destination 3... the show is damn gross lo.... each time the person die i was like so speechless that the person could die like that.. ewwwksz...totalli horrible ! but the suspense is stil there so i would say not a bad show...

Saturday
met up wif cs at sim lim.. tt crazy guy wanna buy psp.. so damn ex lo.. then i went to pray n got myself a crystal bracelet.. we went icon to take a look... nth much there.. mayb cos there's not much ppl.. the whole building is kind of dead.. went for lunch at billy bomber... n we went over kiat's place... he bought mi an adidas slipper and a pair of ear rings from taiwan... they are realli veri nice.. =) thanks ar..
jona, hc, bao n kiat were playing mj.. haha.. i helped jona play.. n lost his money.. haha... after awhile went for dinner at suntec with ky, his girl, dear... ky came fetch mi and shui bian lobang hc.. god damn it lo... took almost like an hour to find a stupid parking lot.. we even switched to different places to find.. everywhere is full!!! faint..
n i have to admit i am realli totalli not in best of mood.. i was quite pissed off by dear tt day.. early morning he gave mi attitude when i tried to speak properly with him.. ya though i know e reason.. but stil its realli not my fault... so i just try to put myself in his shoes.. n he gave mi attitude again when he waited for a long time for the three of us.. realli.. its not my fault again... how am i supposed to know there's no parking lot...
i think i am realli on the verge of crying cos i was so frickin mad.. i realli just feel like stepping out of ky's car n just go home...
ky suggested that he drop mi off first while they two go search for a lot.. i figured that there's the best solution.. so yea..
when i met up wif him.. i tried to explain to him.. so i really cannot be bothered if he understands or not...
after dinner.. ky n his girl went off.. while mi and dear went to ktv cos he wanna sing song.. so anything lo.. wanted to go home after tt cos i am meeting elaine the next day.. but ya.. he wanted to spend more time wif mi.. so i went over his place lo...

Sunday
msg elaine saying i not meeting up wif her.. cos i was realli too tired.. n slept all the way to 12 plus 1.. dear was supposed to meet up wif zj at 1.. n he was veri late.. so i think he's very pissed off with himself.. i dont know how to handle him.. so i just diam diam n called zj to inform him..
after that he went work n i went home to take a rest...
i am actualli quite affected by saturday's incident.. i just feel so unfair.. n the saddest part.. not even a sorry has been said.. mayb he doesnt know he reacted tt way.. n i just dont wish to say.. n how come i have the feeling that i am being taken for granted again... tired... i feel damn fucked up...

mi and my big mouth again... dotz...

monday i went over my dear's place after work.. n just bcos i jokingly mentioned on sunday night that i would love him to cook for mi... he decided to cook dinner for mi... faintz... n bcos of some stuffs.. he got realli irritated... to be frank.. i am still not used to his temper... so i just stand there like a tootz.. not knowing how to react.. lolx.. i just chose to ignore it... haha...

anyway.. i was flipping the papers n doing some search online about scholarships... from various companies.. but i am still in a blur as to wat i should do... should i just work hard from the bottom n try to break into the oil industry... or should i just apply the scholarship n mug for exams which is a killer for a lazy person like mi.. i am realli in a dilemna.. haiz... pls show me some direction...

n.. i wan wan wan wan to watch final destination3 !!!! i so wanna watch it veri much...!!! ahgong gb.... i wanna watch haha...

these few days are just working n working.. today i am craving for fries... hehe... i dont know why... n i am craving for thai food !!!! i wanna eat thai food !!!!